Jason Spezza Wishes To Order Your Special Dialing Wand

As if we needed one, today's Ottawa Citizen offers us yet one more reason why the Senators are trolling the depths of the standings rather than administering righteous bitch slaps as is their birthright. It would seem the boys have been bacon-ing up the butter, and for quite some time at that.

After five months of skating, from the first days of training camp in September to game No. 52 of their National Hockey League season tonight against the Buffalo Sabres, it's almost unbelievable to think the Ottawa Senators could be out of shape. That, however, is exactly what has become apparent. Their conditioning has been allowed to slip.

Now I'm the last guy anyone should come to for anything to do with physical fitness (my last blood test came back with the note "57% lard -- By rights, should have been dead last Thursday") but it would seem to me that if I were...say...the coach of a professional hockey team, I would ensure that my players remain at the peak of their conditioning throughout the season, if only to save my own job (and before the bleating Mimis chime in about how multi-million dollar athletes should know better consider this...you can do all the weights/cross training/cardio you want during the offseason, the rigours of an NHL schedule won't allow you to maintain it).

Remember how the media howled "Coach KILLERS!" after Coach Craig was canned? Sure you do. Remember all of those pretty words from both Hartsburg and Teflon John about how they didn't understand how the team just "couldn't compete" every night? Sure you do. And remember the last time you heard about the coach putting them through a Jacques Martin-esque bag skate following yet another crappy performance? Sure you...oh wait. I can't remember that at all.

Still, Clouston was surprised to find NHLers struggling to maintain the quick practice pace he favoured...[He] said it's simple: Teams play the way they practise. The Senators haven't played hard enough, despite daily exhortations from Hartsburg, and it's reflected in their record.

"You can't expect them to do it in a game if you don't do it in a practice," Clouston said. "That confidence and foundation is created in practise. Obviously your goal is to translate that into a game situation."

You know, the more this Clouston fellow speaks, the more I seem to like him. Suck it up, Butterguts.

Time to Shape Up, Senators [Ottawa Citizen]

Craig Hartsburg! I Am All A-Quiver With Undecided Apathy!

Photo courtesy of Sean Kilpatrick/The Canadian Press/AP Photo.

As we shed a single tear watching Pat Burns and his oncological sidekick ride off into the sunset, headed we know not where...but the smart money is on Lou "Fish Eye" Lamiarello's buffet table... let us welcome Craig Hartsburg, newly minted Grand Chief Whistle Dude of your Ottawa Senators.

While it is true that most of Craig's head coaching experience involves keeping pubescent boys from drinking illegally and catching the clap from Russian hookers, the first second fourth first third first choice of the Ottawa sporting media does have two WJHC gold medals on his resume, so that's something. And while one could make the argument that a poo-flinging simian would have won two gold medals with the talent on those Championship teams, we won't here for fear of being seen as an ungracious host.

So what does Craig bring to the table? In a word, "accountability". No really. He said so himself. Twice:

''Early in this whole thing, the players will see that there's a plan and we're certainly here as coaches to motivate the players to follow the plan. And then if the plan is not followed, there will certainly be accountability,'' Hartsburg said. ''I don't want to get into specifics, but trust me, there will be accountability. It'll be black and white. They'll know what's right and what's wrong and they'll know there's a line not to cross.'' (Ed. note: Pssst...Jason. I think he's talking to you. Has to be. Wade and Rayzor are history.)

And as long as some of those "specifics" involve two hour bag skates after lousy efforts and the occasional cattle prod to the groin of those who can't find the corners, I'm right there with you buddy!

So welcome to the fish bowl Craig! We're happy to have you aboard, and wish you nothing but the best! For now. But the first time you triple shift Alfie to get yourself out of a jam, I'm ripping you to pieces. Just thought I should make that clear. You're not in the Sault anymore.